Solidarity
by SouthernGirl11
Summary: Can Elliot and Olivia save each other before their personal struggles turn into emotional insanity?
1. Distracted

The night was winding down. Everyone had gone home except the three – Olivia, Elliot, and Cragen. Olivia and Elliot sat across from each other at their desks, reflecting on their personal thoughts. He was reclined in his chair, staring at the blank computer screen with his fingers intertwined. Olivia leaned forward, elbows on her desk, clicking and twirling a pen in her right hand. The bullpen was silent.

The rapid clicking of her pen suddenly pulled Elliot out of his blank state of mind. He looked away from his computer to gaze at her. Olivia kept her downward stare, unaware that her partner was concentrating on her every move - or lack thereof. Her insanely big, beautiful eyes were pointed downward, perhaps pondering her thoughts. She sighed every now and then; gracefully pulling her left arm up to tuck a piece of fallen hair behind her ear, or rub her tired-looking eyes.

He couldn't get over the way she carried herself with such poise and self-confidence, especially since he knew all too well the vulnerability that she also had been forced to constantly suppress throughout her whole life. He grinned, and could have gone back to finishing the surprisingly small amount of paperwork that was spread in front of him, but he didn't. Instead he pulled up his IM chat window, and scrolled down to find the appropriate contact. There it was – BensonSVU. He quickly glanced over at his partner again, who was still in some sort of unknown trance. He hesitated for a moment, wondering what to say. He then double clicked her screen name and began to type…

**StablerSVU (9:37:52 PM): **Come back down to planet earth, Miss Benson. We miss you.

The abrupt unexpected chime of a new message echoed in her mind. She blinked in surprise as her complete attention shifted over to her computer screen. Elliot cupped his face in his hands, and looked down, pretending to be finishing his paperwork.

Elliot. Her heart fluttered. She tried desperately to hide the joy that filled every inch of her whenever she heard, saw, or said his name, even if it was only in her own thoughts.

She lifted one eyebrow and darted a confused stare his way, cracking an awkward, open-mouthed smile. He smirked innocently. "What?" he asked, trying to seem clueless of what she was suddenly so amused by.

Olivia let out a playful scoff through her teeth, and spun her chair around to face computer screen. Her hands were frozen, floating over the keyboard. She thought about the man sitting across from her; the kind, sexy, gentle man. Her teeth started sinking into her bottom lip as she typed…

**BensonSVU (9:38:75 PM): **Whaddaya want, Stabler?

**StablerSVU (9:39:00 PM): **Not much, just you. :)

Olivia blinked, taken back by his forward statement. He was only kidding, right? She was almost afraid to make eye contact with her partner. She slowly lifted her head and smirked innocently at him and rolled her eyes. He grinned confidently at her and looked back down at the papers in front of him, as he left her stomach in tightened knots and a permanent, beaming smile pasted on her face.

A few minutes later, they heard the usually loud clatter of the blinds against the office door as Cragen pulled the door open and shut it behind him. Olivia shot a look toward the sudden noise, as Elliot spun around in his chair to see the Captain strutting to the exit. His coat was draped over his arm, with a couple folders in the other. He stopped.

"Detectives. You're still here." he stated plainly, his eyes narrowing.

"You say that like we're not here late every night of the week." Elliot huffed.

Cragen forced a grin. He shifted his glance over to Olivia. She had her elbow resting on the desk, with her head propped up in her right hand. Her fingers made an L shape, with her temple and chin leaning into them. "Olivia, why are you holding your head?"

Olivia looked up, a tinge of uncertainty written on her face.

"Been working this job for ten years, and you ask me why I'm holding my head?" she said with her eyebrows raised and headed tilted, honestly raising the question.

Cragen nodded, she had a valid point. "Finishing up the Keesmer case?"

Olivia scratched her eyebrow. "Uh, yeah… we got DNA from the semen off the bed sheets. The sample is with Warner, she should have the results by morning to see what we can do from there."

"All right, good luck. I'm going home." He informed them, gesturing toward the main door of the precinct.

Olivia turned back to her computer without a word. Both Cragen and Elliot sensed her slight sadness. They shared a look before Don turned to walk out the door.

"G'night, Cap." Elliot said breathlessly. Cragen looked back and gave a faint wave before he pulled the door open and walked out, the sound of his faint footsteps slowly disappearing into the night air.

- - -

An hour had passed. Both partners starting to look considerably tired over the time that had passed. Elliot clenched his jaw and looked over at his partner once again. She shifted herself further back in the reasonably comfortable chair, her left hand massaging the back of her neck. She picked up her pen, wrote a few words, and then went back to twirling it in circles around her fingers.

Elliot looked at his watch. 10:45PM.

"Liv…" He hushed quietly. He could tell she wasn't exactly alert.

No response.

"Liv." He stated her name more sharply now, hoping not to startle her.

"Hm?" Her head shot up in his direction, eyes wide. "Sorry, I'm not with it today. I'm even more tired than usual." She threw her pen down in front of her, and leaned back in her chair with a heavy sigh, gathering and then smoothing her dark, almond coloured hair.

"You want a ride home, Liv?" he asked her bluntly.

She pushed another piece of her honey-streaked hair out of her face, and momentarily got lost in his eyes.

"Uh… well, sure. I just…thought, you know, that you'd want to finish up."

His face scrunched in boredom and annoyance. "Nah, I really don't want to bother with it right now. I don't think I have enough energy to do it right. Besides, I can finish it up later… maybe tomorrow. I don't have that much left anyway."

Olivia's face showed a sign of slight relief. "Oh. Well, in that case, yeah. Let's get out of here."

He shut his computer off, watching her every move as she slowly stood up, pulling her beige trench coat off the back of her chair and swinging it around her shoulders before pushing her arms through the sleeves. He then pulled the keys out of his pocket and slung it over his toned, masculine arm, Olivia closed the folder on her desk and tucked it underneath her bicep. They gathered their belongings, and met side by side before exiting the large, prominent door, stepping in sync with each other.


	2. Forgive Me For Giving A Damn

**Hey everyone! Sorry it took so long to update. I'm such a newbie at this whole writing thing, so I hope it lives up to your expectations. Thanks to the special few that have given me encouragement for this. Let me know your opinions on where it should go… enjoy! **

- -

The detectives strutted together as they opened the massive doors leading outside of the precinct. The wind whooshed around them, making their coats look more like capes as they bounded down the cement steps, eager to get home. Olivia shuddered, pulling her heavy trench closer to her body and crossing her arms overtop.

"Jeez, El… how far away did you park? It's freezing out here."

"I'll find it. There weren't many free spaces around when I got here this morning. Plus, I thought it'd give me a chance to burn a few extra calories, you know?" He began doing mock lunges on the pavement, hoping to at least make her smile.

Olivia let out a small laugh through her teeth. "Right, El." She rolled her eyes, and then brought them forward again, squinting as the smirk quickly disappeared from her lips. Elliot could sense something was wrong. He wanted to ask her so badly. He momentarily glanced at her a few times while walking in silence toward the car a couple blocks away. He could sense her all around exhaustion. With that partner of his, he could sense things he never could before. Things that just did not make sense to him.

The car teetered slightly as the detectives sank into cushy seats of the Ford. Elliot turned the key, as the vehicle seemed to come alive in the chilly, New York air. He pulled the car into gear and onto the main drag on the way to Olivia's apartment. Olivia puffed her warm breath between her hands and rubbed them together, hoping to heat herself up some.

Elliot shifted his glance over at his remarkable partner as they hit a red light.

"Umm, Liv?"

"Yeah, El?"

He gently pressed on the accelerator as the light turned green. "Are you okay?" He knew it was most likely too blunt, but he needed to get it out.

"I'm fine now that the heat is starting to kick in." She rubbed her hands up and down her thighs before sitting on them. "I just can't wait to get home… for once"

"I don't mean that, though. You've seemed… distracted lately." His voice was weaved with compassion.

Olivia shot him a look filled with pain and frustration. He looked over as his eyes met hers.

"Sorry… forget I said anything." Elliot forced himself to pull away from her stare, and back onto the road. Her gaze never left his general direction, but she now seemed to understand his line of questioning, rather than being angry towards him for being concerned. She sucked her bottom lip in nervousness as she propped her elbow on the inside of the door and leaned onto it, in deep thought.

He heard her exhale. "No, you're right. I have been absentminded. It's just… never mind."

Olivia knew how she was. She always had to be in control, even when she and everyone else knew her life was anything but. It was complex, heart wrenching, and completely exhausting. Even so, she did not want anyone to be able to see her vulnerability. To her, that meant she was weak, incredibly fragile; and that was not Olivia Benson.

Elliot broke the overwhelming silence. "It's been about ten months now, hasn't it?"

She swallowed hard, looked down, and feebly nodded. "Mhmm."

A heart breaking silence filled the small sedan. Elliot gripped the wheel hard, thinking of what to say. What do you say to someone whose life was shattered a little less than a year ago? Nothing seems efficient in such a situation.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he spewed out the words rather briskly, his face tightened and his jaw clenched.

Olivia refused to make eye contact. She then began to pick her nails, which she often did when she was uncomfortable. She shook her head as her eyes filled with tears. "Not really."

He studied her emotions carefully. "Have you been sleeping lately?"

Olivia gave a quick shrug; she did not feel up to answering his questions. "Off and on. It got better for a month or so, but…"

Elliot was finally getting to know why she was so unhappy. He didn't like pressing her, but he couldn't drop her off at home stirring in her own raw emotions. "You stopped going to therapy." Olivia loathed the way he made questions into statements. She couldn't agree, nor disagree.

She stared forward, almost too much aware of the tension that filled the space amongst them. "I really don't want to talk about it, just drive."

He completely ignored her request. "Liv, those sessions are for your benefit. Why did you stop going?

"El…" she blinked back tears as her eyes welled up.

"Please. Tell me why."

Olivia took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, preparing herself for the explanation she knew he wouldn't approve of. It didn't matter; he didn't understand any of it to begin with.

"It wasn't working. I was going regularly for a couple months, but after a while it just reminded me of… it just reminded me. I just want to move on with my life. Go to work and help people." Her voice cracked multiple times as she tried to keep her emotions under control.

"But it won't go away. Look, I'll be the last person to tell you I understand, because I don't. But if you stop going to those sessions, it won't get any better. Don't feel – "

"Don't tell me how to feel. Don't." The sternness in her voice made Elliot's heart drop. He wanted to take back the words as soon as he said them.

"I'm sorry. Liv, if you don't go to therapy, you won't be able to help yourself. And then you won't be able to help others. Not at work, in the community, nobody. In our line of work, you've got to know avoiding it isn't the answer. Some move on –"

"That's my point." She now shifted position to face him, intently trying to get him to understand her anguish. "Some move on, some self destruct, and…" She swallowed hard to fight back the suppressed sobs. "And… some you never hear from again."

"Don't say that. You can get through this." He could tell with every word he said, it was just making her even angrier with him. Yet, he couldn't watch her spiral downwards. He needed to give her something to think about.

"That's easy for you to say. El, my life is like one big mystery. Growing up it was the struggle with my mother. On top of that there was the unknown pain about my 'father' – the man who raped my mother. I never got any answers, and I never will. I never got to finish up my old start, now my life is scrambled again, and now this?"

"Those things weren't your fault. You've got me; you've got the whole squad. We're here to back you, we care about you. I care about you."

Her head whirled around. She had never heard those words come out before. At least, not like that. "Elliot, just… stop helping." she snapped at him. The frustrated, intense eye contact lingered for a few moments before Olivia spun the volume knob on the radio, the steady, harmonious song filling the air.

_I was the one who was undone_

_Till you picked me up_

_So how did you fall so far from it all?_

_Thought you were my rock_

_So why do you push me away?_

Elliot could tell that she had reached her breaking point in the conversation. She leaked vulnerability; it seemed to seep from her eyes. For Olivia Benson, it was a rare occasion, and she still tried to hide her helplessness from him, with her hair dangling, partially covering the side of her face, and biting her trembling bottom lip.

Elliot wished, more than anything, that he could show her how special she was. He wished he could grab hold of her, clutch her close to him, and allow her to feel safe forever. To feel loved forever. He leaned over and gave her knee a firm, sympathetic squeeze, hoping to say with the small action what he couldn't say in words. Olivia swallowed hard, looked at Elliot with her misty, dark eyes, and turned away.

_I'm not gonna stand here and watch you go down_

_I love you too much, no I won't let you drown_

_And it just comes with being the man that I am_

_So forgive me. Forgive me for giving a damn._

The passing minute or two of silence seemed like an eternity en route to Olivia's apartment. Just the detectives, and the all too appropriate song flowing through the speakers. Elliot had his hands on the wheel, thinking about his partner and the torment she had to continue to endure. Feeling helpless, like his hands were tied. Olivia feeling numb and rather annoyed, staring up at the glowing full moon and the stars that seemed to sparkle in the clear, winter night.

_Listen to me; I can't compete with this trip you're on_

_And if you decide to take that ride_

_I won't come along_

'_Cause I know just where it leads._

Elliot slowly turned down the radio as the small amounts of gravel on the New York City street were heard crunching below the tires. As Olivia quickly unbuckled her seatbelt, Elliot's voice broke the thick air. "And if you need anything, anything at all…" Olivia seemed to ignore him as she sighed and crawled out of the vehicle, leaving the passenger door open as she pulled her things out of the back. Elliot was stirring in his thoughts, thinking of anything he could say to allow her to sleep. He leaned over in an effort to make eye contact.

"You can call me, day or night, or…"

"Thanks, El. See you tomorrow."

She slammed the door, leaving Elliot in mid sentence. He exhaled deeply as he watched her turn the key and walk inside. He waited until he saw the lights in her apartment progressively turn on. She saw him parked outside, but refused to make an acknowledgement. She understood his point of view and appreciated his concern, but as much as she did, him harping her about it didn't help her situation. She wanted to be left alone, or at least that's what she felt. Then again, her feelings were now unconscious most of the time.

_I know you're scared and you just want to run_

'_Cause I've been there, I know where you're coming from_

Elliot cleared his throat. He thought about all the times he waited outside until he saw those same lights glowing in the New York night. He reminisced about all the feelings he'd had about her in that same spot; worry, happiness, and most of all, love. He kept his eyes on her clearly lit apartment as he shifted the car into drive, and rolled away into the clear, bitter night.

Olivia placed her bulk of things on the kitchen table and proceeded to pace around her apartment multiple times, running her fingers through her hair, paging through her range of emotions. She forced herself to glance outside, and inhaled deeply and held the breath as she watched the Ford disappear down the barren street. She poured herself a glass of orange juice for comfort and walked heavily to her couch before quickly shuffling back to her front door to make sure the doors were locked – again. She felt immediate relief when she noticed it was indeed latched, and slowly returned to her living room.

Olivia pulled a thick crocheted blanket off the worn lounge chair and draped it over herself. She felt a stinging pull to call Elliot, so much to lean over and pick up her cell phone from it's place on the coffee table. She brought up his contact, her finger hovering over the glowing green 'call' button for what seemed like hours. But something stopped her. 'What am I thinking? He won't even bother to answer after how I treated him.' Olivia bit her lip and let her arm go limp, closing her cell phone and setting it back down on the table. She thought intensely about Elliot as she lowered her head and pulled the blanket around her shoulders. Every time she closed her eyes she felt the undeniable, piercing guilt. She lightly sniffled and wiped away her unshed tears as she settled in and closed her eyes before eventually softly drifting off to sleep.

_I'm not gonna stand here and watch you go down  
I love you too much, no, I won't let you drown  
And it just comes with being the man that I am  
So forgive me, forgive me for giving a damn  
Forgive me for giving a damn__ e _


	3. Absent

Olivia gripped her brown leather jacket in a bundle under her chest, her bulky purse slung lazily over her right shoulder. She couldn't shake the feeling of guilt after last night's spat with Elliot, and decided she should finally speak to her therapist as to why she hadn't been attending therapy the last few weeks.

She pushed back a loose strand of hair that had fallen out of her loose ponytail, and smiled at each woman she acknowledged as somewhat familiar. The small hallway to Margo's office all of a sudden seemed rather long. She felt as if she was being sent to the principal's office, that gruelling feeling of panging anxiety deep in her chest.

The door was cracked slightly. Olivia peered in to see Margo busily recording notes in numerous open files. She pushed it open as she knocked, and smiled weakly at the middle-aged woman.

She looked up swiftly. "Olivia. I was beginning to worry." The petite woman pushed herself out from under her desk, stood up hastily and walked toward Olivia, waiting for some response. Olivia rubbed her temple and kept her eyes downward.

"I, uhh…. yeah, I know. I was just sorting some things out."

Olivia was never a good liar. She could feel the uncertainty as it left her lips. As she took her eyes off the floor, she could sense the doubt in the woman's eyes.

"Sorting things out?" Margo saw right through her, and motioned for her to sit down. Olivia hesitated; all she wanted to do was apologize, not obtain a lecture on why she should attend therapy. She received that last night from Elliot.

She nodded, but remained standing. The few moments of silence were extremely awkward.

Olivia bit at her top lip. "You know what? This was a mistake, I'm just gonna go…"

Olivia turned and was just about to grasp the brass door handle when the words off Margo's tongue stopped her in her tracks.

"Tell me why you came here, Olivia."

Olivia's hand dropped to her side as she turned around, eyes closed tight, mixed with emotions. She sat down without a word, too afraid of the words that would follow. She swallowed hard and leaned forward with her hands between her knees, good and ready for a blaming spiel.

"I know the last thing you want right now is an allocution. That's why I would never throw one at you. I'm concerned for everyone that walks into my clinic-"

"It's your job to be concerned." A tinge of annoyance detected in her eyes.

"True... but above all, I am human. You should know more than most that it is impossible not to be concerned and worried about these women – young and old. Although it happens to be the main focus of my career, I did choose it for a reason."

Olivia didn't know how to respond. It might have been her own dilemmas clouding her ability to do so. After all, they clouded everything else that took any effort at all. It felt like everything was running toward her at once. Her feelings constantly scattered in every direction.

"Thanks, Margo." The thank you was filled with confusion, but was truly genuine.

"Thanks? You don't have to thank me. In fact, I don't want you to. All I want you to do is help yourself. That alone would be thanks enough for me.

Olivia sighed deeply before speaking. "I realize that, it just... didn't seem to be helping."

Margo gave her an inquisitive look, as if coercing her to speak in more detail about why she hadn't been attending group therapy as she should have been. It was the look of curiosity, the look of wanting more, and it made Olivia cringe. She knew she owed Margo some kind of explanation.

"I feel that no matter how much I try to move on, I just end up running in circles. I've been through so much in my life, and it is never taken into consideration before the next bomb hits. I..." Her breath was caught in her throat. "All I want is some normalcy, but I've basically given up on that feeling. I've pushed away... everyone and everything. My job, my love life, my… my best friend. "

**Best friend. **

She felt the lump in her throat rise considerably after she had thought of him. _Elliot._ Her _**best friend**_. She shook her head as if to throw the thought from her mind. The fleeting seconds after she spoke seemed like hours, blinking back the tears to stop herself from sobbing. Margo reached over and placed a sympathetic hand on Olivia's shoulder. Olivia looked away; slightly frightened of the lingering eye contact she was to make with her if she looked that direction. Her eyes fluttered as she slowly closed them. "It's not fair."

Margo had observed countless victims before. Victims of rape, sexual assault, domestic abuse, and everything in between. Every woman had been broken. It was inevitable. She was sad to say, it was in fact normal after such devastations. But somehow, Olivia was different. She had a fire inside her that Margo had never seen before. Completely selfless, determined to somehow return to the state of mind she was in before everything was stolen from her. She also knew it didn't come easy.

Margo's eyes were locked on Olivia's face, analyzing her every move before deciding to speak as softly as possible. "Of course it's not fair." She leaned forward, elbows on her knees. "Olivia, when I first met you, I knew there was hope. Because of your job, you've always understood the pain. But until months ago, it was from an outside point of view." Olivia looked up, agony evidently washed over her felt her eyes burning from Olivia's stare as she watched her stand up and turn away, trying to find the words to express her combined anger and misery.

"That's the point!" Olivia spat, her voice becoming louder and quick as her hands were thrown up in the air. She turned back to face Margo. "I'm around that every day! Issues that most people would run away from because they are far too depressing. But now it's more to me, and it's my job!" She looked down, palms up, trying to find the words. "Pain, frustration, emotional torture that never goes away! Problems that are never solved! People who know I've been through it as well, they assume that because I grasp the concept of sexual deviance, it's easier for me to deal with.. but it doesn't! If anything it just makes it harder!" As Olivia finished shouting, Margo watched Olivia's slight gasp for breath. She recognized Olivia's resentment towards herself. She had seen it too many times previously.

"Olivia, besides the obvious direct pain you feel because of your sexual assault, why are you so angry?" Margo knew it was an odd question. Olivia was angry because she was reminded of her sexual assault more than most survivors of such an event. She didn't have a choice, it was how she made her living. It was a question Margo wouldn't normally ask, because usually the answer was so self-explanitory, just furrowed eyebrows would follow. But she was determined to open up Olivia's wounds completely, before it was possible to heal them.

"Leave it alone." The suppressed fire Olivia felt burning at the pit of her stomach only grew more intense with every word she spoke.

"No. Olivia, I won't. Tell me."

"Because no one understands!" Her whole demeanor was tensely hostile. Eyes wide, chest rising and falling fast.

Margo stood up, a slight look of disapproval appearing on her face. Her focus narrowing.

"_No one_ understands?"

Olivia opened her mouth to lash back, until sadness was written on her face, and her defensive positioned hands fell. She suddely realized what Margo was trying to get through to her. Olivia quickly bowed her head, ashamed at spewing the cutting words without thinking of the harm they could cause.

Four years ago, Margo's eighteen year old daughter Samantha was abducted. She was handcuffed inside a van, brutally raped, and slashed and tortured with a serated blade repeatedly over the course of 6 days. Then strangled with her own leggings and dumped partially naked in the Hudson River.

Margo's eyes were lined with tears. Olivia's bottom lip trembled before her eyes moved upwards to meet Margo's. Her hands slowly came to shoulder level, turned in, accepting all responsibility. Olivia sucked in a painful breath and held it before finding the appropriate words.

"Oh my God. Margo, I'm so... sorry. So sorry. I..I completely forg-"

"It's okay." Margo stepped towards Olivia and much to Olivia's surprise, smiled sweetly. "The reason I'm in this job is for her. For Samantha and her passion for life. It's why I'm pushing so hard to get through to you and every other suffering person who walks into this can make it, Olivia. I know you can. And as much as I wish I could tell you it's simple, we both know it's anything but. I miss my daughter every day, but I believe she would proud knowing I help others in honour of her."

Olivia was silent; her face like stone before something made her glance over at the rather large graduation portrait of Samantha situated on Margo's desk. She was a striking young woman. A soft, heart shaped face with wavy dark hair that fell well below her shoulders. Flawless olive skin and ice blue eyes that could cut like a knife, with a graceful, classic smile that could make the strongest individual fall to their knees.

Olivia smiled and wiped away an unshed tear. She looked at Margo, her eyes and voice bleeding with raw compassion.

"I'm sure she couldn't be more proud. She is beautiful."

Margo sighed, her eyes never leaving the photograph. "Yeah... yeah, she was. She _was_ beautiful. And every day she reminds me that in order to feel any sort of happines or joy again, you first have to help yourself. Then, and only then, can you begin help others."

Olivia nodded, and her eyes once again hit the floor as she crossed her arms. "That's what my partner was trying to tell me."

Margo smiled suggestively. "Smart man." Olivia's head shot up as she smirked back. It was as if Margo knew something Olivia didn't know. Or perhaps what she already did know. She squeezed Olivia's shoulder lightly as she walked passed her and out of the office, slowly closing the door to leave Olivia alone with her own thoughts.

Olivia turned her head and took in the view of the city from where she was at that particular moment - both physically and sound of the rain echoed second in her mind to her reflections of her partner, and it seemed to pulverize the windows as it slapped them violently with every gust of wind. Suddenly, all thoughts of Elliot were like a barbarous, delicious wave that pounded into her body mercilessly.

She let out a deep breath and stared out the window as a single tear slid down her cheek.

"Yeah. Yeah, he is."


	4. Tears

Olivia couldn't stand it anymore. She felt better after speaking with Margo, but still couldn't block the feeling of guilt for pushing Elliot away after his intentions were so pure. Thoughts of Elliot clouded her mind, and after many failed attempts at an afternoon nap, she got the courage to drive across town to his condo. She wasn't sure what she was going to say, but she knew their friendship had to be restored, maybe even strengthened once she elaborated on the truth

Elliot was in his living room, slumped lazily on the couch. He had the TV on, but was doing anything but watching it. At the moment, he was reflecting on his thoughts and memories of him and Kathy. She had kicked him out - again. Kathy forced him out of their house a few weeks ago after Elliot came home late from investigating a cold case with Olivia. As usual, Kathy had blown everything out of proportion, resulting in another heated argument, which only escalated. Elliot even tried to apologize for what never happened between him and Olivia, like all the times before. Not that he didn't want it anything to happen. The fire between him and Kathy had burned out long ago, and for as long as he could remember, all he wanted was comfort.

Any spare thought went to Olivia and the issues he wanted to help her work through. He had called her and stopped by her apartment multiple times in the few days he hadn't heard from her, but got no response. He hoped that wherever she was, and whatever she was doing, that she was trying to heal herself.

She stood in front of his door for what to her seemed like hours. She held up her closed fist to knock on his door various times, but hesitation took over and forced her to drop her arm back down to her side. She sucked her bottom lip in nervousness before taking a deep breath, closing her eyes and sharply knocking four times.

The sudden noise abruptly pulled Elliot from his state of mind. It was Olivia's signature rhythmic knock. He stood up swiftly and made his way to the door, knowing it was her, yet trying not to get his hopes up in case it wasn't. Once he was positioned in front of the door, he gave a quick sigh and grasped the doorknob, pulling it open with one fast motion. There she was. Olivia. Her hands stuffed deep in the pockets of her thick trenchcoat, eyes glued to the floor in shame.

"What are you doing here? No one else could solve your problems?" He felt bad for her, but he was angry. Or maybe he was trying to cover up the fact that he had been desperate to see her, to know what she was doing. Hell, even he didn't know the answer.

Her head shot up. "How could... - " Olivia cleared her throat and swallowed back her anger. She looked back at the floor momentarily before staring intently into his eyes.

"Look, I didn't come here to argue. I came here to.. apologize."

There were a couple seconds of silence before Elliot moved aside, gesturing for her to follow him in.

"You want something to drink?" He waved towards the kitchen as he walked passed it back into the living room.

She stopped, and walked towards the cupboards. "Maybe I will, I accidently left my coffee in the car."

Elliot was grateful just for Olivia making the action to come over to his place. Although he didn't understand the shame, guilt and embarrassment she had gone through, he knew it took an extreme amount of bravery for her to simply get up every morning and face the day. He had watched the rollercoaster ride she had endured. Watched the hopeful look in her eyes fade in and out throughout the days. Even though it troubled him to see Olivia suffering like that, in a twisted way, it only made him appreciate her more. He realized how much he appreciated her determination and courage.

He sat down again, watching his partner crack open the fridge through the drywall cut-out in the only wall seperating them. He was sure after all the years, she still didn't know how beautiful she was, and the fact that she did it effortlessly amazed him more every single day.

She leaned into the fridge. "You want anything?"

"Oh no, thanks. I got some water out here." She could feel his eyes on her. It made her smile. It wasn't uncomfortable when he continuously watched her like it did with every other man she'd come into contact with. Olivia wasn't sure of the word to describe it. Perhaps it was innocence. She didn't know for sure, but it made her feel safe and loved.

"I'm taking your last glass of orange juice." she informed him as she poured the smooth liquid into the crystal glass.

A small smile crept over his lips. "All right."

She placed her heavy coat on the polished coat rack before strutting into the living room with her orange juice to join Elliot. She stopped suddenly behind the couch. Elliot noticed and looked up, realizing she had a raised eyebrow towards the TV.

"Jeopardy? Really, Elliot?"

"Well, I wasn't actively watching it. The only time I was ever even interested in the concept was when that guy won over two million dollars. I forget his name... "

"Ken Jennings?" she said it without hesitation.

His brows furrowed as he looked up at her.

"How'd you know that?"

Her eyes moved from side to side, somewhat embarrassed.

"Uh.. lucky guess."

"Sure.."

Both partners let out a small, breathy laugh as Elliot scooted over to make room for Olivia on the sofa. He found the remote and switched the TV off, turning in closer to his partner. Olivia put her drink down and cleared her throat, trying to find the words to explain. The silence was bitter and emotionally stimulating. They rarely had the time to sit together, undisturbed, just listening to each other's beautiful, complicated thoughts.

Elbows on her knees, fingers laced together, Olivia blinked once before attempting to gain eye contact with her gorgeous partner.

She finally spoke. "Elliot... I never wanted to complain.. or, admit even.. that I was defeated. But I have been. You know me, I.. I try to maintain control of my life when it's impossible... " Her voice trailed off. She wanted to say so much more to him. She wanted to spill the complex, yet simple feelings she had been holding back during the near eleven years they had been partners.

"It's okay, Liv." He patted her shoulder and started to stand up, accepting the near apology and brushing it off like most men do.

"No, no..." Olivia grasped his toned bicep, causing him to stop in a half-standing position. It almost took him by surprise. He look into her perfectly round eyes. They pleaded with guilt.

She pulled his arm slightly downwards. ".. Please, El.. sit. Sit down. Let me finish."

Elliot leaned forward now, his interest piqued after now realizing how deep and meaningful her act of coming over really was. She scratched her brow with the back of her thumb.

"Look, the truth is, when I'm hurting or.. or if I feel lost.. I tend to hold it inside for way too long. To the point of almost self-destructing." Olivia layed her hands flat on her upper chest, unconciously trying to convey her feelings not only in her words, but her actions too. She talked with her hands a lot, it always caught Elliot's attention.

"When I do that, though.. hold it in like that.. at one point or another it has to find some way to come out. Unfortunately, it usually comes out in the form of hostility or extreme... _extreme_ defensiveness. And the fact is, it usually hurts the people I'm closest to first. The people I really care about."

Her face bled with desperation, his with compassion. Her lips puckered slightly, to stop herself from sobbing. All the muscles in her face tightened.

"I'm sorry for everything, El. I really am sorry." Her voice cracked and squeaked slightly after she spoke her last syllable. Elliot observed the tears slowly welling in her eyes.

He rubbed her back and nodded supportively. He smiled at her, not really sure of what to say next.

"I know, Liv. I know. And I'll never understand what you're going through, but I'm always here for you... 'kay?" He lowered his head and looked up, trying to maintain eye contact to make her aware of his acceptance of her apology, and to take his offer of needed support.

"Mhmm.." She cracked a half smile as her face brightened up considerably. "Thanks, Elliot."

He patted her knee assuringly before leaning back to acheive light distance between them.

"And look, I shouldn't have pressured you into telling me what was wrong anyway."

A small laugh was released from between her teeth and tilted her head toward him.

"Pressure me? El, we're cops.. we're trained to pressure people. If you didn't keep pushing me to talk, I would've definitely thought you had finally lost it."

Elliot and Olivia shared a chuckle before simultaneously taking a sip of their beverages and shifting on the couch, preparing for the small talk they had missed recently. It was strange for both of them not being able to chat whenever they wanted, and when they were in an argument, they never did realize how much they appreciated it when it wasn't available.

- - -

Before they knew it, it was after midnight. The so called 'small talk' slowly turned into a long conversation, ranging from his spat with Kathy and the relationship with his children, the pending case at work begging to be solved, or one of Munch's ridiculous yet strangely entertaining conspiracy theories.

"Whoa!" Olivia first looked up at the clock on the wall, and then down to her watch.

"Sorry, El, I should go.. it's after midnight. I haven't slept much lately so.. " She started to stand up before Elliot spoke.

"Liv..."

"Hmm?" she spun around to meet his eyes.

The lingering tension in the room pulled at their hearts. Olivia couldn't breathe. She wondered if he felt the same way, while Elliot was just focusing on getting the words out at the moment.

"Stay."

Olivia's mouth dropped open to reply, but nothing came out.

"It's late, you shouldn't be driving home this late at night with just a few hours of sleep under your belt. I can drive you to work in the morning..."

There was no way Olivia could refuse. He was simply looking out for her like he always was. There weren't many people like that left in the world, let alone a grown man. She felt that too many folks did good deeds just curious of their own benefit, but Elliot was not like that at all.

She nodded, finally being able to let out her breath. "Okay."

Elliot gleamed. The protector in him grew to full force whenever he was around Olivia, and watching over her at night is something he always wanted to do. He couldn't let her leave, knowing the rest of her night would be filled with hauntings and lack of sleep in that bitter cold apartment of hers.

"Um.." Elliot gestured toward the only bedroom. "Maureen always leaves a pair of pajamas and a shirt to sleep in when she visits. Maybe I'll.. "

"Sure." Olivia stated plainly with a dry smirk. She could tell Elliot was nervous, almost like a school boy asking a girl out for a first date.. His stuttering and blushing around her she found rather cute. She sat on the arm of the couch and waited for him, her eyes shifting to the sliding glass windows, observing the lights reflecting off the quiet side street.

- -

Elliot sat on the double bed as she appeared barefoot from behind the door of the adjoining bathroom, donning light blue flannel pajamas and a fitted mauve tank top with lace outlining the neckline. She took her hair out of the ponytail and tousled it lightly.

"Well, how do I look?" She spread her arms out to the side, palms up, waiting for a sign of approval.

"You look perfect." Obviously he hadn't thought before he spoke. She shot him an extremely confused glance before he clued in to what he had said.

"Uh.. fine. You look fine." She nodded slowly, mouth open slightly. Knowing the sincerity of what he said to begin with.

"Elliot, if you don't mind I'm just gonna crash on the couch now, I'm.. tired."

Olivia grabbed the heavy blanket folded on the end of the bed before Elliot took it away from her, placing it right where she had picked it up from. She stared at him, rather puzzled.

"What are you, crazy? I'm taking the couch, you're stuck with the bed." He dazzled a shining smile in her direction. The gentlemanly act of giving up his bed made he tear up.

"This thing's comfortable, too. Only bought it a couple weeks ago." He showed her by pressing down firmly on the mattress before looking back at her glimmering expression. He moved toward the door, giving her privacy to crawl into bed.

"Should be interesting, haven't slept in my own bed in months."

The way she spoke of her agony in such a nonchalont way made him shift uncomfortably.

Olivia positioned herself on the bed and eventually appeared to be in her own little trance out. He sensed there was something else she needed to say. Maybe not even for him, maybe to benefit herself. He traced back his steps and placed himself on the right side her.

"Liv, are you going to be okay?" the sympathy dripped from his words.

The moments of silence seemed like hours, but he could've stayed there forever, just watching her. Watching her vulnerability.

Olivia shook her head and shrugged lazily. "I don't know anymore."

She scoffed sharply at her own words. "I haven't known for a while. It's been over a year, and it's still constantly haunting me. I'm afraid that.. that it's sucking out anything left in me that's any good. It's affecting my job, the only thing I'm really good at. Attempting to get intimate is a joke. I'm hurting everyone, even.. even my best friend. It's like I don't know who I am anymore, and now I'm not sure I ever will."

A gentle tear rolled down her chiseled face, before resting on her cheek. Olivia pressed her lips together, oppressing a sob once again. She just stared forward. Elliot's thoughts raced through his mind, trying to think of something, anything, to ease her mind. To make her even somewhat happy again.

Olivia spoke just above a whisper. "I'm losing everything."

Elliot took one of her hands in his, and brushed away the single tear that lingered on her flawless cheek.

"I can promise you, you'll never lose me."

The genuine sincerity in his voice tugged at her heart. He meant it. She looked up at him, desperation evident on her face. Her bottom lip trembled before she finally released a persisting sob. Once she started, it seemed impossible for her to stop. They wracked her body until every limb and muscle shook with sadness.

It was only a few seconds before she felt herself being pulled into Elliot's embrace. The instant Olivia felt Elliot pulled her into him, she let he knees rise until he was cradling her softly in his lap, her tear-stained face fitting perfectly into the curve of his neck, like it belonged there. Olivia sturdied herself with the bottoms of her feet on Elliot's knee, not that she needed to. He held her tightly, and rocked her back and forth, hushing her similar to a parent would a small child after waking up from a horrific nightmare. He held the back of her head, occasionally stroking her hair. She buried her head closer to his face, until they were almost cheek-to-cheek. Sobs seem to decimate every fibre of her being, and it broke Elliot's heart. Her weeping was barely audible, resembling small short breaths being let out one after the other. They seemed to never stop. A few tears escaped Elliot's eyes, and he tried his best to hide them from her. He traced gentle lines up and down her back to trying to soothe any amount of pain he could. No words were spoken, and neither of them would have had it any other way. Sometimes no words say everything.

The tragic, tearful mourning for any innocence Olivia had left slowly faded. Her rapid breathing subsided, her body no longer being violently shook by her own sobs. Elliot repositioned his shoulder so her head softly fell back. She was asleep, her eyes heavy and damp from all of the tears of pain she had just released. He smiled at the state of bliss she seemed to be in, despite all she had been through. Elliot closed his eyes and didn't hesitate a moment as he kissed her forehead as tenderly as he could. He sat back once more and gazed at his alluring, breathtaking partner for another few minutes. He then turned slightly, careful not to waken her, and slowly slid her underneath the soft, feathery sheets until her head was resting on the pillow. He pulled up the comforter around her shoulders, moved her bangs away from her eyes, and stroked her cheek delicately with his thumb.

Elliot slowly stood, never taking his eyes off Olivia. He moved towards the open bedroom door and grasped the brass doorknob. He sighed deeply at the last life changing couple hours in both their lives. He spoke as if she were awake: "It'll be okay. Goodnight, Liv." as he closed the door without a sound.

- - -

_'Oh hell,' she says, 'I just can't win for losing.'_

_And she lays back down._

_'Man, there's so many times I don't know what I'm doing._

_Like I don't know now.'_

_By the light of the moon she rubs her eyes_

_Says, 'It's funny how the night can make you blind.'_

_I can just imagine._

_And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,_

_But if she feels bad, than I do too._

_So I let her be._

_And she says, 'Ooh, I can't take no more.'_

_Her tears like diamonds on the floor._

_And her diamonds bring me down,_

_'Cause I can't help her now._

_She's down in it._

_She tried her best, and now she can't win_

_It's hard to see them on the ground._

_Her diamonds falling down._

_She sits down and stares into the distance._

_And it takes all night._

_And I know I could break her concentration._

_Oh, but it don't feel right._

_By the light of the moon, she rubs her eyes,_

_Sits down on the bed and starts to cry._

_And there's something less about her._

_And I don't know what I'm supposed to do,_

_So I sit down, and I cry too._

_But don't let her see._

_And she says, 'Ooh, I can't take no more.'_

_Her tears like diamonds on the floor._

_And her diamonds bring me down,_

_'Cause I can't help her now._

_She's down in it._

_She tried her best, and now she can't win._

_It's hard to see them on the ground._

_Her diamonds falling down._

_She shuts out the night, tries to close her eyes._

_If she can find daylight, then she'll be all right._

_She'll be all right._

_Just not tonight._

_And she says, 'Ooh, I can't take no more.'_

_Her tears like diamonds on the floor._

_And her diamonds bring me down,_

_'Cause I can't help her now._

_She's down in it._

_She tried her best, and now she can't win._

_It's hard to see them on the ground._

_Her diamonds falling down._

_Oh, her diamonds falling down._


	5. Thoughts

**A/N: Okay, so I know this overdue. Didn't really have any inspiration for ideas until a little while ago before this chapter was pieced together. It's a small one, kind of a connecting chapter, but I think it's a good set up for what's to come next. Should be updating again within a few days, or at least that's what I'll attempt. Hope you like this! Thanks to the special few for ideas and encouragements. R&R, my friends!**

- - - -

Olivia blinked, eyes barely open. She could feel the single ray of sun shining through the blinds and warming her face. She smiled, as she remembered where she was. That bed, Elliot's bed, was the most comfortable she'd ever slept in. She shifted her hips and shoulders to sink as far down as she could.

"Olivia." He stated her name soft and sharply.

Her head whirled around as she sprang up, pulling the down comforter up around her chest, grasping it tightly. He was leaning on the door frame, and it looked like he'd be there a while.

"Elliot! God. You scared the cr- .. wait, how long have you been watching me?"

"Long enough." His lips curled thinly into one of his famous smirks. Olivia tilted her head as she cocked an eyebrow and shot him confused glare.

He changed the subject quickly. "So uh.. how was your sleep?" She was fixed in a blank stare, still thinking about his last comment.

Olivia snapped out of it. "My what? Oh, sleep.. um.. good, once I got to sleep." She rolled her eyes. Elliot looked down as he nodded, he shifted his eyes up at her, a tinge of sadness visible on his face. Olivia could feel the dry tears on her cheeks. They felt like they were practically cracking her smooth skin. She suddenly remembered last night. Being pulled up onto Elliot's lap and into his warm embrace, and could now say she had never felt safer than she did in his arms.

But both of them knew not to mention what had happened the night before. It was like an unspoken agreement, maybe more like a rule. They never talked about things that bothered them about one other. Not until it blew up in their faces. It was one of their downfalls, and when it came to each other, they didn't have many.

"Anyways, thanks for the rude awakening." she teased, squinting her eyes closed and scratching the back of her head before letting her hand fall to her lap. "What time is it?"

"Ten-thirty."

"Captain hasn't called? Weird."

"No, he did. About fifteen minutes ago. He told me to call you and come in, but I told him I was with the kids and I was going to pick you up on my way to the station. Just so he didn't... wonder. "

Olivia gave a half smile. "Yeah."

"Plus, you looked so peaceful... I didn't want to wake you." The shared a few seconds of lingering eye contact before Elliot spoke again. "But it should buy you a few minutes if you want to come eat the breakfast I'm making for you."

"Breakfast? You're making me breakfast?" She looked up at him, baffled, with a glassy-eyed expression.

Elliot's eyes shifted from side to side, trying to understand her question and how to respond at the same time.

"Uh.. yeah. It's nothing much.. just eggs, bacon and some toast to munch on."

Olivia's eyebrows were furrowed, staring at him with both confusion and adoration. After quickly sorting through his own thoughts, Elliot finally understood why.

"What..? Are you telling me a man has never cooked breakfast for a beautiful woman like you? Please. Take a shower, everything you'll need is in the bathroom. Breakfast is ready when you are."

No. Never. No man had ever cooked her breakfast. Not even ones she dated. Every relationship, or the couple of one night stands, always ended up the same way - Olivia feeling used and taken advantage of. Even though she would never admit it, it was probably because of how beautiful she was. Men looked at her as some sick kind of jackpot to take home, and take what they wanted. Olivia would always wake up to find them gone the next morning. Cold, naked, and alone, without a warm, virile, sleeping man beside her. And as far as she was concerned, it was the worst feeling in the world.

- -

Olivia sighed deeply as she stepped into Elliot's walk in shower. The steam was already billowing over the top and clouding the mirrors, while complicated thoughts clouded her mind. The hot water awoke her senses as she watched the droplets dance over her body. She tilted her head down as she slicked her hair back, watching the leftover makeup running down her face and chest like tiny black rivers. As she washed her hair and body, she couldn't stop thinking of the past few days. The drama wasn't exactly out of the ordinary, but for some reason it was more tiring than normal. This life wasn't something you could plan for. There wasn't one fixed solution that solved everything. Lately she didn't think there were solutions at all, and it was frustrating.

As she stepped out, Olivia pulled the hefty towel off the back of the toilet and ran it down her face. The knock at the door startled her.

"You almost done? Eggs are almost ready."

"Oh, yeah I'm just.. uh, yeah I'll be right out." It was too strange telling Elliot she was getting dressed in his bathroom. She opened the door to Elliot's attached bedroom, sighing at the fact that she had to wear the same clothes as yesterday, and put on the small amount of makeup she carried in her purse. She quickly threw on her blouse and pulled up her jeans, put on some concealer and mascara, fixed up the bathroom and made the bed.

Elliot had set the small table for two, with two large glasses of orange juice sitting next to each large plate, piled high with food. He watched Olivia emerge from the bedroom, soaking wet hair pulled up. She looked so natural, but so graceful. He couldn't help but notice she still seemed a bit frazzled, but he chalked it up to her thoughts about what went on the night before, whether those thoughts were positive or not.

"Looks good." Olivia stated as she pulled in her chair.

"It is, wait until you try some." Elliot replied as he stuffed another mouthful of scrambled eggs into his mouth and then swishing back some juice.

It was silent through Olivia's first few bites until Elliot dropped a bombshell.

"Kathy has a boyfriend."

Olivia's mouth dropped open as she swallowed a bite of her toast. She watched Elliot as he kept eating, keeping his eyes on his plate, and wondered if it was one of the fronts he often put on when something was bothering him.

"Um.. when did you find out?" Olivia tried to keep the topic alive, without making it feel any more awkward.

"Dickie accidently let it slip a week ago when we were having one of our guys nights. Brandon is his name." Elliot scoffed and took another bite of his eggs.

"I'm sorry." She hated seeing him struggle with his family life. The job was stressful enough.

"You know, that's the thing, I don't think I am." He looked confused, but not frustrated. Almost like he had been pondering it ever since he found out.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, before pulling apart the second piece of bacon on her plate.

Elliot sighed. "Me and Kathy fell in love young. Way younger than we thought at the time. And then I got this career, and Kathy got pregnant. Then she got pregnant again, and again.. and again."

They both shared a chuckle.

"And ever since then it's just been one long, almost 25 year routine. And don't get me wrong, I don't regret it at all, but I'd rather be with her and us still be civil instead of being together and constantly at each other's throats. I love her, but I don't think I've been _in_ love with her for a long time."

Olivia stared at him in admiration as he took a gulp of his juice. She was amazed just at the way he thought sometimes. Most people would be devastated at the idea of an ending such a long lasting marriage. But not him, he was different. He was _always_ different.

Her thoughts were rudely interrupted by the alarming ring of her cell phone.

She flipped it open. "Hey, Cap." She watched Elliot respond by shoveling the last couple bites into his mouth before stacking the glasses and plates and bringing them into the kitchen.

"Okay, thanks. Yeah, I'm sure it'll be find. Elliot's on his way and we'll be there as soon as we can. See you then." Olivia quickly shut her phone, stood up and pushed it into her back pocket.

Elliot's voice came from the kitchen. "Fill me in?"

Olivia turned to Elliot and pulled a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "Seven year old girl - Alexa - was walking to school with her thirteen year old brother Hayden. He turned away for a second and then saw her being pulled into a van before it drove away. The brother ran the next two blocks back home and called the 911, but the kidnapper blindfolded her before dropping her off right in front of her yard an hour later. No one had long enough to really start investigating. Cap says she might have been raped, she's at Mercy. He wants you to drop me off there and take a couple statements back at the station."

Elliot looked impatient. "All right. Weird MO this sicko has. Where are the parents of these kids...?"

"Dad's not in the picture, and Mom's always so tanked she might as well be."

Elliot nodded in frustration. He tossed Olivia her coat and threw his own over his arm. She walked the few steps to his bedroom and grabbed her purse before following Elliot out the solid oak door and firmly closing it behind her.


	6. Inebriated Ignorance

**A/N:**** ** Re-upload!! ** So, I posted this chapter last October before the episode 'Hammered' aired as my rendition of what would be interesting to see. Buuuut I was re-reading them for inspiration as to what to write next, and I realized I accidently wrote a few seperate quotes down on the document and those were uploaded with it. Sorry if you were rather confused, as that chapter/episode had nothing to do with music.. hehe! Anyways, just a re-upload and working on the next chapter slowly but surely. **

**Spoilers ahead.** I got the idea for this chapter a long time ago, after I heard one of the characters was going to have a problem with alchohol in the eleventh season. After I saw the teaser for the fourth episode this season - "Hammered", I realized I had to write this quickly so it didn't appear as if I just re-wrote the episode. So because I did it so quickly, I don't think it's as good as it could be if I had more time. But I hope you like the idea anyways. Very little E/O in this chapter, but I'll bring it back soon. Please R&R, and let me know if you have any opinions on where this should go next. Thanks to Cass and Chels who encouraged me for this chapter. **

- - -

As Olivia stepped out of the elevator at Mercy Hospital and walked down the chilly wing towards Alexa Nicholson's exam room, she noted how much she hated the smell of hospitals. They smelled like the burning sense of the inevitable, and it was almost physically sickening most times she thought about it. The hallway was unusually quiet. All that broke the silence was the soft clip clop of Olivia's shoes against the white tiled floor, and a couple nurses leading two visitors down the corridor.

Just as Olivia found the exam room, her attention was pulled in the direction of an adolenscent boy, sitting on a chair just outside of the doors. He looked devastated, lost.. maybe even guilty. She tried to speak as friendly as possible.

"You Hayden?" she asked as she sat slowly walked towards him.

"Yeah." He looked up at her. "You a cop?"

Olivia grinned sadly and nodded. She could tell he blamed himself for his sister's hardships. Hayden knew she was silently gesturing for some answers.

"I basically look after my sister by myself. My Mom started drinking three years ago after my Dad left us for some woman he worked with." He paused momentarily. "It's not her fault.. she's sick, you know?" Although Hayden had no idea, Olivia knew all too well. He swallowed painfully, hold back tears. "And I just looked away for a second. Maybe if I didn't... maybe Alexa would be okay."

"None of this is your fault, Hayden. My job is to catch the man that did this to your sister, and help her." He might as well have been deaf, there was no emotion on his face whatsoever. Olivia pulled in a deep breath before reaching into her back pocket and pulling out a thin paper card. "Listen, after all of this is settled, you can go here. Bring Alexa. It's for kids and teens dealing with parents struggling with drug or alcohol addiction. They can help you." Hayden stared at the card before he pulled it out of her hand. He read the front, and put it in his jacket pocket.

He spoke flatly. "Thanks." Olivia wanted so badly to let him know about her experience with a drunk for a mother. Even though she was never the type to tell anyone that she knew how they felt, in this case, she truly did.

Olivia stated her words slowly and tenderly. "Hayden.. there's nothing you can do here. I'll stay with Alexa through everything.. and I'll call you when she's ready for me to bring her home."

Hayden looked up at her in admiration and responded with a nod. He stood up quickly and started walking down the hall, back toward the elevators. Olivia began to stand before she heard his voice echo in her direction. "Take good care of her, okay? She's been through a lot." Olivia smiled sympathetically. "I will." Hayden grinned back before he turned and disappeared around the corner.

- -

Olivia pushed the door open and peeked in before entering the room completely. Alexa sat on the end of the exam table in a tattered hospital gown, bruised legs dangling. The young girl didn't even look towards the door, she just stared forward as if she was in some sort of trance. Olivia had never seen a girl so precious before. Whispy, shoulder length auburn hair, rosy cheeks and a cute, button nose. Olivia observed her briefly before the nurse emerged from the X-ray room behind her.

She unclipped her badge from her belt and flashed it quickly. "Detective Benson, Special Victims Unit."

"I'm Laura, thanks for coming." The young woman flashed a small smile at Olivia as her golden blonde hair swayed back and forth in a high ponytail. She pulled on a new pair of latex gloves.

Olivia spoke softly and gestured toward the young girl, who still hadn't looked in their direction. "Alexa Nicholson.. ?"

"Yeah, hasn't said a word or expressed an emotion since she got here." Her face bled with sadness, which Olivia quickly matched.

"Traumatized?" She squinted, waiting for the answer she knew would come.

Laura looked over at Alexa, and back to Olivia. "Worse than I've ever seen before. I took a sample from under her fingernails, but she even seemed uncomfortable with me doing that, so I figured I'd wait for you to get here before I attempted any of the other more invasive exams."

Olivia nodded in appreciation and made her way over to the frail child. She kneeled down, trying to get more effective eye contact, speaking in a gentle, friendly tone.

"Hi, Alexa. My name's Olivia, I'm a police officer." The young girl blinked a few times before turning her head, making Olivia fully aware of just how bright her blue eyes were. "I'm here so I can find the man that hurt you. I'm going to ask you some questions about that later, but the doctor and I are going to give you a check up first, okay? I know it's a little scary, but it's my job to help you. Will you let me do that?" Alexa nodded slightly, her big eyes glossy and wide. Olivia smiled and patted her knee, trying to make her feel as comfortable as possible, as Laura pulled the medical tray over to the table.

Olivia watched how numb the little girl was as Laura drew blood, swabbed her mouth, inner thighs and genitals. Laura then picked up a large medical camera from one of the shelves on the tray. "Honey, this is a special camera. I can see under your skin, things that no one else can see. It doesn't hurt, okay?" Alexa looked at the camera, and then fixed her blank stare back to the wall. Olivia and Laura shared a look of anguish before pulling her gown down to her underarms, and up over her thighs. They look multiple pictures of the obvious bruises, hoping that when the photos were developed, there wouldn't be any others that were not visible to the naked eye.

"We're done, Alexa." Olivia helped the devasted, fragile girl off the table, and led her to the room adjacent to get changed into the fresh set of clothes Hayden had brought her from home. She waited patiently until Alexa emerged from the room.

"I'm going to ask you some questions when we get to the police station, okay?" Alexa headed for the door without a word. Olivia thanked Laura and quickly caught up with Alexa as she took her first steps into the hospital hallway.

On the elevator ride down, Olivia could feel the little girl warming up to her considerably. She felt Alexa look up at her multiple times, almost as if she was trying to see into her soul to see how pure her intentions were. Olivia felt a tiny, cold hand wrap around hers, and it was enough to tear up. Sometimes the best feeling was being accepted by a child, especially one as scarred and broken as Alexa was.

Olivia helped buckle in Alexa, shut the back door of the sedan, and plunked herself in the driver's seat. "I know it's a little chilly in here, hon, but I'll turn on the heat as soon as the car warms up." She could barely finish her sentence when the squeaky, scared little voice startled her.

"Are you going to find the bad man that hurt me?" she asked meekly.

Olivia had to blink back the tears as she watched the girl's eyes plead with her from the rearview mirror. She couldn't promise the girl she would find him, that's what hurt the most. Because it just was not guaranteed. It never was. For anyone. She was convinced that was the most difficult part of the job. Not being able to promise any of the victims that they would ever have closure of any kind.

"I'm going to try my best. I promise." She smiled brightly. There was something about this girl that, even though she was in a state of lost hope, she still made Olivia grin every time she looked in her direction. Alexa nodded, trusting her, before looking out the window at the clear New York sky.

- -

Alexa and Olivia sat at the small, brightly coloured table in the children's interview room. It was silent except for the scraping sound of the purple wax crayon against the piece of paper under Alexa's hand. ADA Paxton and child psychologist Colleen Williams were observing in the next room via video camera, hooked up to the TV. Olivia watched as the little girl picked up another crayon and began drawing a tree. She heard Sonya's shrill voice through the ear piece. "You better get the ball rolling if we're gonna catch this guy, Benson."

Olivia sighed. "That's very pretty, is that your house?" Alexa shined a toothless smile and nodded her head proudly.

"Alexa, honey... let's talk about the man." Olivia watched the look in her eyes change drastically as she shifted uncomfortably. "I know it's hard to talk about, but it will help me catch him, okay?" Alexa stopped colouring and rested her chin in her hands.

"Sweetie, can you tell me what colour hair the man had?"

"Umm.. he...he had brown. Brown hair." she stated confidently.

"Good.. good." Olivia practically whispered. "Was he a big man, or a small man?"

"Uh.. umm.. I don't know." she picked up another crayon and coloured, obviously frustrated she couldn't answer either way.

"What'd he smell like?" Alexa looked down, brows furrowed. She eventually shrugged.

Olivia was trying her best not to outwardly show her impatience. "Okay, did he say anything to you that you can remember?" She couldn't help but notice the girl was trying to be strong, to not cry.

Alexa sniffled. "I-I.. I don't remember."

Before Olivia could utter another syllable, Sonya came flying through the doors, abruptly disturbing the sense of trust and tranquility in the large room. She leaned over the table, uncomfortably close to the young girl. "C'mon! You gotta remember something! He must have said something to you! Was he tall? What did the van look like? We don't have all day!" Alexa's face turned to anger as she cleared the entire small table with one sweet of her arm, before putting her elbows on the table, and covering her ears with her hands.

"Sonya!" Olivia grasped Sonya's arm hard and turned her around guiding her angrily out the door. At the door frame, Olivia turned back. "Alexa, I'm sorry.. I'll be right back, honey." The psychologist took Olivia's place in the interview room.

Olivia grabbed Sonya's shoulder and turned her forcefully to face her. Her back hit the stone wall. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Me?! We'll never get enough answers from that girl to even find a suspect!"

"Oh, so screaming at a distraught girl is going to help? You know, ever since you got here you've done nothing but follow all of us around and tell us how to do our job. We've been doing this a long time, and we don't need your help. I'm _really_ sick of your crap."

Sonya scoffed loudly and rolled her eyes. Olivia's face went from an expression of anger to sudden realization."Vodka." Sonya swallowed hard, eyes narrowing. "Sonya.. I don't believe you!" She tried to push passed Olivia, heading for the door to the balcony of the squadroom.

Sonya had opened the door a few inches before Olivia slammed it shut. "Oh, no, no, no.. Sonya, you are an officer of the court. What are you thinking?!"

"Olivia, this is none of your damn business."

"It's more than my business! I'm a cop, you're a lawyer. My job is to find these sick bastards, and it's yours to put 'em away. How do you expect to do that when you're knockin' back a bottle of booze on your lunch break?"

The two slender women stood facing each other, the angry tension in the air more than obvious.

"How do you explain this as the least bit legal or moral, Sonya?" Olivia's chest was rising and falling quickly out of protection for the little girl, and the reputation of the DA's office.

"Go to hell." Sonya pushed passed Olivia, leaving the open door to swing swiftly behind her.

Olivia pushed the hair from her face and sighed deeply, trying to collect herself. The case was getting to her in more ways than one. It was hard not to notice how frustrating the world was when she heard of two drunks in one day, not to mention the child rapist that was still out there, free to kidnap and rape again.

She ran a hand down her face before flinging the door open and heading down the metal stairs. Before she even made it to the last stair, Elliot could sense something was wrong. He had just seen Sonya storm out the bullpen towards the elevators, and Olivia had the same fed up look on her face.

Elliot walked up to her as she bitterly poured herself a coffee. "What's wrong, Liv?"

Olivia chuckled sarcastically. "Oh, nothin' much, you know, our ADA is just drinking on the job."

Elliot's eyes went wide. "What?"

"You heard me." she bitterly pulled the top of a sugar packet and dumped it in the paper cup.

"Well... did you tell her to stop?"

Olivia's head whirled around until she met his eyes, her's more like daggers. "That's not my job!"

Elliot put his palms up defensively. "I know, I know.." he knew the question was ridiculous, but it was difficult to know what to say.

She settled slightly. "God.. I don't know what to do." Olivia quickly went from furious to confused and saddened.

"I think you do. You've got experience with it, Liv." Olivia's face lightened a little.

"You can still catch her."

Olivia put her hands on her hips and bit her bottom lip. "Cover for me upstairs?"

"You got it." He rubbed Olivia's shoulder and started climbing the stairs to take the rest of Alexa's statement. Olivia pulled her purse out of the bottom drawer of her desk and her coat off the back of her chair, throwing it on as she ran out the main doors of the precinct.

- -

Olivia caught up to Sonya in the parking lot.

"Sonya!" She ignored Olivia and kept walking towards her car.

"Sonya! Don't leave, I.. I just want to talk." Much to Olivia's surprise, she actually did stop. "You want to talk, or just further convince me of the horrible person I am?"

"That's not it. I'm just.. look, you can't do this... you can't."

"Detective Benson, don't tell me what I can or can't do. Leave me alone." Sonya attempted to walk away again, expecting Olivia to give up.

"No. I won't, Sonya."

Sonya had finally met her match. Although she was a beyond gifted lawyer, she had many demons she had not yet faced in her life. Her stubborn, hard headed nature often clouded her judgement, and so far Olivia was the only one she knew of that had seen through it.

"You feel like taking a ride?"

She shrugged lazily. "It's not like you're gonna let me go anywhere else."

Olivia raised her eyebrows, as if to agree with her. "Let's go."

The two women walked in sync the opposite way to Olivia's sedan, parked about forty feet away. The entire half hour car ride was silent, except for the occasional sigh from either one of them. Each of them struggled with their own thoughts, but neither one of them knew they would have collided that day.

The headstones were like one grey blur as they drove passed them to the entrance of the cemetary. Sonya's brows furrowed as Olivia pulled in through the front gates and into one of the first parking spaces.

"Why are we here?" she moved her glance over to Olivia.

"You'll see. Come on." Olivia unbuckled her seatbelt and pulled the keys out of the ignition before exiting the car.

Sonya pulled out of the car and hesitantly followed Olivia. She padded on, feet seemingly heavy, towards the third row of various shaped, ash coloured markers. After a few minutes, Olivia stopped and intently faced one headstone in particular. She looked at Sonya, her face like ice, hair blowing in the wind. Olivia bent down and reached her arm to the worn out piece of stone. She firmly sweeped her hands along the front until the large bold text became clear.

**Serena Louise Benson.**

"Sonya, this is my mother." Olivia spoke as if she was introducing them. "She died nine years ago."

"Olivia, I'm.. I'm sorry. That's awful." Sympathy was laced in her words. "But.. I still don't see what this has to do with me."

"10th and Broadway. She fell down the subway steps outside The Velvet Room. She was drunk, Sonya."

Sonya's constant wondering in the last half hour finally came to fruition. She was shocked, her eyes bounced from the name etched on the piece of stone, back to Olivia's teary eyes, words failing her. Olivia stepped towards her, speaking faintly to keep her emotions under control.

"This isn't a game, Sonya. Not only are you causing more pain for yourself, but you're poisoning every case you take on. We see people on the worst days of their lives and.. they.. they count on us to help them through it, to hopefully get them some justice. That's enough of a tiring task as it is. And you can try to be tough, and bullheaded and eat nails for breakfast but.. after all's said and done, this is all that it comes to. I couldn't save her, but there's still more than enough hope for you."

Sonya's eyes were flooded with tears, eyes locked on the name and date of the woman who once lived. Who once smiled, laughed and breathed, until alcohol made her forget what those precious things were worth anymore.

"Wow. Olivia, I never meant to hurt anyone. I'm.. I-I don't know what to say, I'm sorry."

Olivia smiled weakly. "You don't have to say anything." she leaned in slightly. "But you've got to stop."

Sonya smirked as a tear scurried down her flushed cheeks. She nodded. "Thank you."

"It's my job." Olivia looked back at her mother's grave, thinking back at all the times she dragged her along the carpet of their small home and into bed. All the times she had to lie to protect her mother. Every time her mother was cruel and violent toward her. All the times Olivia had to be unreasonably mature for her age. She turned back to Sonya. "Give me a minute?"

Sonya understood. She read the name on the crafted gravestone once more as she crossed her arms. before offering Olivia look of empathy and compassion. "I'll be in the car. Take your time." Sonya walked back towards the parking lot, every once in a while pausing to read one of the markers on the way.

Olivia observed the bright blue sky and thought of how ironically beautiful the day was. She took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds before releasing it, the small cloud quickly disappeared in the crisp, frosty air. Olivia shivered slightly and pulled her coat tighter around her body as she knelt down.

"What a day, huh, Mom?" She sighed deeply, taking in the only real sight she had left of her mother - neglected, covered in moss and grasses.

Olivia bowed her head. "I know I haven't been here for a while, and we both know there's a good reason for that. I've been angry with you for a long time. Some might say justifiably so but, I'm tired. I can't hang on to that feeling any more. I just don't have the strength, and it's not fair to either of us. And even though I didn't expect to even be here today, let alone express these things to you, I can't think of a better time than now." She paused momentarily to wipe the tears from her eyes. "You made me angry at life in general from the day I was born. I've felt self destructive, useless, belittled.. even now, years after you've been gone. The more I tried to fight it off, I was still left with the feeling that I would never be satisfied. But, I didn't come here to criticize you. I actually came to thank you.. and to let go of those years. I spent so long blaming you, and I've finally realized it wasn't your intention. As hard as it is to convince myself sometimes, I'm not a bad person; I help that's because of you, or in spite of you.. well, I'll guess we'll never know for sure. I've never been one to believe in the cliche of heaven or angels, or... anything like that, but I do hope that wherever you are.. that you're proud of me." Olivia's voice squeaked with the last word she spoke.

Between the rows, a long, stray, leafy vine behind her mother's plot caught Olivia's eye. She stood up calmly and strolled over to it, picked it up gently and set it on top of the headstone, smoothing it out. She took a moment to read the inscription one last time. Olivia kissed her hand and placed it on top of the stone for a few seconds.

"Goodbye, Mom." She heartbreakingly croaked a whisper, before walking towards the car, and not once looking back.


End file.
